a changed person
Thursday, April 20, 2006, 1:11 AM
Recently i've realised that i'm keeping everything to myself. It's not really myself. But i just don't know why though. It makes me feel like i'm completely a different person. True i smile and laugh along with everyone...but something within me know that that was just a facade to hide the real me.
Why? Even i am still figuring that out. Is it because of certain episodes in my life? Or is it because i decided to snap out from my childish behaviour and become matured? Heh, if only i know the answer myself.
I have the sudden urge to isolate myself from this world- MY world, the one which i have build so hard. What i really want right now is peace which could only get from isolation. I just want to push everyone away; my family and friends. Oh how i wish i was alone in this world; where i don't have to hear my mom's rantings, where i have no worries about school and life.
Sigh... i just wish i am not like this. But then again....i've come to like the new me. I'm someone...scratch that, I was someone who's energetic, ranting and irritating everyone. But i'm now a quiet girl, who has just lost a part of her soul somewhere out there.
I know i'm just being emotional...but i can't help it. I just want to be broken down. So terribly wishing for that, but yet i can't. I'm not letting myself to. After all i am known as a tough girl. Lol, if only i could laugh at the irony of my life. I want to let it all out but yet i'm not letting myself to? Hah! Khai...are you sure you're tough or acting tough? I guess you have to think twice before you make such an impudent remark!
I'm really tired...tired of worrying; tired of thinking of others; tired of life. Sometimes i wonder why is it only me who seems to have such worrying thoughts? Why can't i just screw the rest and think of myself? Am i such a worrisome being? Do i care what others tell about me that i think about all of them out there before making a decision?
I've always dreamt of leading a happy life with nothing to worry about...i've always dreamt of life of being a bed of roses for me! Hn..i guess that wouldn't be a perfect life for any mankind, now would it..? ...No one knows me best...not even my best friend; not even my parents.
My parents? They'll be the last people to understand me. No, i don't mean they don't care about me. What i meant was they don't know what my thoughts are... They are not me after all... Hell, no one is me... Only i know what i think what i feel. My parents think i could be least bothered about the uneventful ongoings in our household. But oh boy are they wrong. Scold me all you want. Hurt all you want. You'll never know what disturbing thoughts i have everyday even if it is for a while.
Sigh... why do i even bother blogging about this when no one's gonna understand? Why do i even bother venting my emotions in a mere website when i said i prefer keeping everything to myself. Heh...how long can one keep everything buried deep in his/her troubled heart? It will get heavier by each passing day and then gradually explode...like me.
I could have resorted in confiding my thoughts and all in someone, but it's not like me to talk over my worries...Besides....it's just too...intimate to blabber out my fucking thoughts... I guess i prefer venting it out by words rather having it known verbally. At least in this way...no one's here to see me cry or pity me. Pity and sympathy are the last thing i need for now...
Will all these pain end or would it tug my heart torturously for eternity? Only the Great One who created me would know.....
Music Overload
Thinking Cap
If women are supposed to be less rational and more emotional at the beginning of our menstrual cycle when the female hormone is at its lowest level, then why isn't it logical to say that, in those few days, women behave the most like the way men behave all month long?
The bitch
Khairunnisa Elias
31.08.1988
19
Jam that Jukebox
