Tuesday, January 16, 2007, 3:12 PM
Friends."We'll be friends forever!""You're my bestest friend lar Khairunnisa!""You're the best man! Always helping me when i need help!""Nisa you're my trusted friend lar!"B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.!.!.!You know all my life i've been hearing these dialogues over and over again.And you know what? These are all words. Simply words.When my brother approached me to ask advices for his friend in need, all i told him was, "Don't help your friends too much. Or you'll end up hurtung yourself time and again."Do i sound too heartless to you Yasin? Maybe i am. But i've been in your shoes more than i care to count.And what do i get in the end?Nothing."Helping your friends doesn't mean you expect them to return you your favour," that's what my brother told me disapprovingly.No i don't expect anything in return my dear beloved Yasin. I just want to be appreciated. I want to be treated as a friend of theirs.But i just don't know why, time and again i'm still forgotten. Until i remind them of my existence. Did i disappoint you when i remind you? Or did you have to walk down your memory lane to actually search if i was ever your friend in the past and present?"Why do you say like that when your social circle is as big as mine akka?" once again my brother asked me.Social circle as big as yours you say Yasin? If you really want to know, my social circle is small. I doubt it'll even reach 20.I'm definitely in their social circles. There's no question about that. But i'll always be a forgotten friend dear brother.Now, why would i want someone who forgets my existence so very often in my social circle? It doesn't matter if people think you of their friend, but whether you take them as your friends.In my case?I can literally count how many friends i have. Ask me to name them?Heh, no i'd rather let it be as a secret. Let it be ambiguous. Let them crack their heads over this. Let them wonder if they're ever in my list.But then again, will they even bother?I don't think so. After all i'm always forgotten.So it doesn't matter if i treat them as my friend/s or not."Why do you behave like that?! You're just hurting your friends!" my brother exclaimed, perturbed.Hurt my friends? You stand up for my friends Yasin, while i'm your sister?Do you even know how much i must have hurt when they treat me like i'm a nobody?Hah, no you wouldn't have known. Coz' you'll never have to be in my shoes. Ever.You will never know. And for that i thank God.Because you wouldn't be able to take the pain, dear brother.It hurts so much, that i'm numb inside.I felt it too many times that i don't bother to avoid the pain now. As a matter of fact i welcome the pain.Because i know i don't feel anything anymore.Crying over it?Nah, not anymore. My tears had already dried up a long time ago.Tears are not for me anymore. Because they are not worth my tears.Why should cry over them each time i get hurt? I've been doing that for the past 15 years.And i want to put a stop to it.Now you know why i prefer being alone, Yasin?Yes, my life is mundane, boring, dull, humdrum. Call whatever you want. But this is my life. You have no right to rule it.I rule my life. I'm the ruler, not you.I laugh, i smile, i joke. But those all are not done by my own will. They're all forced.To keep my friends happy, to join in with all of them. Hoping that one day, maybe one day i might be truly their friend.Until then, i'll be someone all of them want me to be.-Khairunnisa Elias-
Music Overload
Thinking Cap
If women are supposed to be less rational and more emotional at the beginning of our menstrual cycle when the female hormone is at its lowest level, then why isn't it logical to say that, in those few days, women behave the most like the way men behave all month long?
The bitch
Khairunnisa Elias
31.08.1988
19
Jam that Jukebox
